You all must really REALLY think i'm crazy. Or i come from a broken home or something. The truth is, I don't. I have no reason to be upset with my life, to try to kill myself. I'm sorry if I'm too open with you guys. It's just that with me, I'm reversed. I trust strangers more than I trust my closest friends. My family is together. I have messed up relatives, but under my father's roof my life is good. I just have mental problems. I'm not well in the head, I think. I'm tiny - 4'11. I don't like people picking on me. I especially don't like looking weak. crying is weak to me. so i cut. cutting makes me feel weak. crying makes me feel weak. openeing myself up to people makes me feel weak. He was right. That love of mine was 100% right. I just hold these feelings inside of me so all I feel is rage and then sometimes ... it just all collapses. Like a wall crumbles, or a freakin wave crashes on my head and pulls me under in the current, attempting to kill me in the undertoe of these emotions. And then if I'm not making sum1 feel better if they're in a sticky situation .... i feel like destroying myself. I feel like if i'm not destroying myself then i'm useless.
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Again, you all must think I'm crazy
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... Sometimes i feel that
... Sometimes i feel that way... like occasionally... and i'm tiny too. i hate crying, but i do.
Oh, I don't HATE them
Oh, I don't HATE them lol
That'd be sad D:
But, just like you think it's fine,
I think it's not. No drama.
And I think I kinda see what you're saying..
I have a split personality kinda too.
I think I wrote something about it on here once.
And I wanna hear your long story :}
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well u askked for ittt ignore typos por favor
summer of 06. going into 9th grade. first year of high school for me. i horseback ride. so that summer my dad surprised me with a trip to ...IDAHO! woo hoo. to go horseback riding. so me my bro my mom and him all trudged our new yorker selves up to idaho. i did NOT expect to find love in idaho. i expected horses 24/7. but guess waht i got? love. ok so ... we spend a week there adn me and this 16 year old brett (im 13 at this point of my life) are flirting the whole time. and i even told myself "amy your not permitted to fall in love with this boy." and my other self said "HA! nto a problem. hes in idaho im in ny we'll hook up share some words keep in touch no biggie" WRONG! hook up underneath a freakin meteor shower - soo freakin romantic - and he tells me hes in love with me and im so perfect. and SHAZAMMMMM im in love. so he had to go home - he was staying with his friends - the next day and i cried soo much. i cried basicaly the whole day. the next day we go home. we kept in touch - like i said - and he asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes. yeah i kno. idaho? new york? puh-lease who weree we kidding. but i was young naive and in love. and i was faithful. he def was not. end of summer rolls in and i get an email from him. "i dont think we should date anymore. its kinda pointless." uhh OUCH! HELLOOOO NELLY WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??? so i repeat waht i said before: i cried my little eyes out. and i basically went through that year dead as a doorknob. i was so freakin heartbroken man. and i was still sooo in love with him. sooo around our would have been 1 year anniversary, we get into this absolutely huge fight. so i go out with my friends and meet HIM. one word: vinnie and sexy are basically the same word ok? ok. So me and vinnie were talking and omg hes bloody gorgeous man. and we were at a carnival and we were on taht swing ride and he told me he had a girlfriend but judging by the way his arm was around me and he was whispering in my ear id say he didnt give a shit. wellll neither did i. so as he whispered in my ear i let my gut take over and i turend my head and kissed him. so after the ride we wlkaed off together and hooked up. i doubt he expected to ever hear from me again but he just FASCINATED me. so i got his screen name and we were talkign and we saw eachother again and he came over a few weeks later and it was pourringgg rain. so we went for a walk and it started downpouring and i turned to him and said "hey vinnie. kiss me." and he did and omg it def outruled brett's meteor freakin shower kiss by far. and i guess thats wehre i started falling for vinnie. and he started falling for me. ok. this isnt even half of it omg. soo the at the end of the summer me and vinnie broke off, my friend and i got in a huge fight and i was feeling depressed and i well erm tried to kill myself. i guess ud say i was lucky that i thought the razor wasnt working - i was drunk off of my dad's wine - and stopped before i reached my wrist. called my best friend who i was fighitng with screaming OMG IM FUCKING DYING!! thas what i rememebr most. i couldnt feel my toes. i couldnt feel my fingers. my head was spinning. i was hyperventalating. i was screaming. there was no one else home. just me, my dog and my cat. and my screams. it still scares me today. so she comes over and takes care of me and helps me come down from this insanity wagon i just jumped on. so everythigns good right? vinnie got himself a girlfriend - the same one that he cheated on her with me - and we were just friends. and then the story blossomed. u mightve read my story about the girl and the hot chocolate and the boy named danny. yeah. wen i'm done - if i ever get done - ill send u it. its really about the adventures of me and vinnie. so i start to write. and vinnie, well, he has his problems you kno? i just help him thro it. so he was hafing a shitty night in like early november so i sent him a part of the story taht was bout us. and i left for a parrty down the block but i couldnt get him outa my head. like i felt him calling to me. u kno? maybe not. so i got outa the party sprinted down to an empty house unlocked the door with shaky hands jumped online and came back from my away message and recieved an IM almost immediatly from my boy vinnie saying "i love you." well golly gee i was on cloud nine man! i totally lvoe dthis boy! so i talked to him and he said him and his girlfriend - nicole her name was - were 100% over. so he came over day after thanksgiving and it was just us and i was so in love with him. and then ... the next day ... well ... my friend called me. "you kno vinnie and nicole are still dating right?" i almost killed someone .. or myself. called him screaming. huge motherfucking fight. ended 3 days later in both of us crying on the fone. soo this was us. on and off and on and off all the way until after new years when he told me that they were officially over - and even my friend said so - and that he was in love with me. (btw. vinnie in case u hafnt noticed goes to a diff school than i do. my friend kinda set us up but not rele) soo i believe him and my best friend who i had gotten into a fight with earlier in this long ass story had an away basketball game, walked in and saw him fucking sucking face with nicole!!! she calls me and i break things off with him asap. resulted in us screaming at eachother. However, after i blocked vinnie i started talking to brett again. and he told me he was still in love with me and idkk it just felt so good to be needed like that agian.i told him i loved him too .. but fer some reason i had like 0 trust for him. so we were texting like 24/7 and then one day vinnie called me and we fought until like 330 in the mornign and we were kinda back together and then he didnt call me for 2 goddamn weeks. and in this time period i got a enew fone .. a pic fone and brett kept pressuring me to send PICTUREs to him (if u catch my drift) so i finally snapped and said "u motherfucker im nto a goddamn whroe u know!" and he said "u stupid bitch i just kept u around cuz ur my goddamn toy!" whatever. i was outa his league. so now i was sitting there thinking about it. like really really thouroughly thinking about it. lkie today acutally. and i thought to myself "how come i never trusted brett?" and then i thought "how ocme i still trust vinnie?" and i weighed my options. "welll...my gut told me not to trust brett. and look what happened. my gut tells me to trust vinnie. what COULD happen?" so im trusting him. i prob shouldnt but im just going with my gut. your mind does funny things to you, man. but the body always knows. ever get that tingly feeling when ur doing something u know shouldnt be done? and u usually do do it but this time its just a feelign? and then u get caught? body over mind my good fellow. my parents forbid me to see him but ill find a way. so i actually just got off the fone with vinnie and i told him almost everythign i just told u abotu brett calling me his "toy" and shit. and i told vinnie that i trusted him 100%. it made him really happy and im terrified . but i think i can trust hiim.
so thats my long boring story. and tahts only the short version.
Oh fuck. That WAS long
Oh fuck. That WAS long haha
And ouch. I've hardly had my heart broken like that before. Because when I was thirteen, and younger, I didn't care for love, I only wanted sex. But, anyways, wow. It seems slightly ironic to me, reading all this.
I have the absolute opposite of your problem. I don't trust anyone, and I never had fallen in love with anyone. So, that's kinda what I want to feel.
But, damn, it sounds rough.
I'm just an innocent bystander who hasn't even met you before, but I don't think you should trust Vinnie. I mean, he already lied to you about not being with Nicole.
The way I have my guys set up, I show them that they can be 100% honest with me because they have no reason to not be. I have alot of friends with benefits.. and I think, as far as I can tell from people with stories like this, it works better than having boyfriends.
But then again, you never really feel that love that's supposed to be there. So I think it takes a little bit or meaning away from the sex. I dunno.
These guys treat you like shit. I hate it when guys do this. They take your heart and leave you to bleed.
I'm not really sure what you should do..?
Well, I think it's good that you're getting it off your chest for now. Just keep typing to me. :} And don't kill yourself, okay? Everytime I think about doing that, I just remember that this is only one part in my life and I have probably 50, 60 more years years to work it out.
That's a fucking long time. It always works for me.
How old are you? Fifteen? And you dated a sixteen-year-old when you were thirteen? Haha you had it going. One time, when I was 13 I had a 18-year-old guy. Haha. Damn, that was good. But, you can ever trust older guys when your young, cuz they don't take you seriously. And we kinda both knew it's only for sex. Oh well.
Anyways, shake it off, don't let the guys get to you too much, and remember those 60-or-so years you have left to figure things out. :}
I'm here for you ♥
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hero much?
nontheless your pretty much my hero<33 lmao. and thanks again for all ur help and just listening to my ranting.
Hero? Hehe yay :3 And sure
Hero? Hehe yay :3
And sure yea no problem. I dunno if I helped at all.
But, here, I'll check up on this site every day for you, so if you have anything that's going shitty for you.. or if you just are bored, I'll read it and type back to you. :}
And it's cool cuz I like listening to people. c:
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Babe, you shouldn't hate
Babe, you shouldn't hate yourself.
I'm a hypocrite too haha.. I say that being gay is wrong but I'm over here making out with girls.
I know what you mean though.
But don't hate yourself.. why do you?
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HAHAHAH
hahahaha thats great. im not trying to lecture you but ... u shouldnt really hate gays .. theyre not doing anything wrong .. it may look wrong but its really not .. and plus ur doin the same thing .. lol if theres one chick id hook up with its def megan fox. i'm 99.9% straight and that .1% is def for her lmao. but idk y i hate myself. i just do. i figured something out today .. its such a long story. ill probably post it soon. but im goign with my gut. im tired of my split - like personality always fucking thigns up. im goign with what i feel and not using my head coz u kno waht? i dont give a fuck. thats life u kno? u feel something, and you go with it, you either fuck up, get hurt and move on .. or u just keep on going. there is absolutely ntohign stopping you. so why am i so stopped recently? its me. its all fucking me. and im so so happy right now because im just so ..... im just .. that. u kno. im just that. im me and im just being me all day 24/7 now. and tahts the way it should be.
:{ Don't try to kill
:{ Don't try to kill yourself.
And I don't like crying either. Actually, I don't think I can. And when I do, the feelings don't come. It's just water running down my face, emotionless.
I guess that's the best way /I/ find it to deal with my problems. Don't cut. :{ It would show strength if you could resist.
What's wrong? Why are you so sad? I'm a stranger :3 so you can talk to me.
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i dont even kno
I dont even kno why i'm so sad. i just am. and i hate being selfish and talking about myself all the time. but i just am. i'm always in the shadow of someone - my brothers, my best friend. i'm always in my best friend's shadow. when i'm with people from diff towns that i'm friends with and shes not ... i am who i really am. i'm wild, unexpected, flirt, happy, sexy, and brilliant. i'm always in someones shadow. and if someone needs my help and i cant help them i feel like shit. i take life way to seriously and yet not seriously enough. i dont even know anymore ..
I think it's good that you
I think it's good that you type this shit out.
I remember when I was where you were.
I felt like dying.
Just keep typing it out to me. I'll type back. :}
And yea, I hate being 'selfish' too, talking about myself and shit. But I think you need to talk. So you aren't being selfish. :} I'm here for you ♥
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thank you
thank you like sooooo much. its just so weird. when people need help, they come to me. i have talked SO many people down from suicide .. and yet here i am. being the biggest hypocrite of them all. i say dont smoke ... 10 seconds later i ask my cousins boyfriend for a drag. i say you shouldnt cut and yet im on the other side of the fone with a razor in my hand. im such a hypocrite and i HATE IT! i cant help but hate myself so fucking much.