amyxwillkillu's blog

so i feel like tihs site sorta fell aprt.

i hate everything. i hate everyone. i want out. fuck this life. why cant shit be simple anymore? fuckity fuck fuck fuck. people will never change. i will never change.

I haven't been around much and by the looks of it neither has anyone else, really. I'm writting a new story so i'll put up excerpts of it later wen i type it up ......ive been thro a lot these past weeks ....

where is everyone???

I need the ocean. I need to feel the greatness, the power. I realized that my life is not in my control. That other people are running my life and ever since i realized taht its been KILLING me. I need to feel the ocean and touch its greatness again. We're all looking for something greater than ourselves in the world. The ocean has brought me closer to death than I have ever brought myself three summers in a row. This year I couldn't get the ocean out of my head and now i know why. In the end it will save me. I need to feel it rush over me and take control i thrive for it.

he said to me "in order to understand and feel love, you have to understand and feel the extremes of all emotion" and he's right. just like to know the universe, you gotta understand everything small. Kinda funny, huh? We're all looking for this greater thing out there, we're all so fascinated by things that are greater than us and we're trying to figure it all out and yet the way to figure out these greater things is to feel and understand what they're components are. Just because you KNOW what they are doesn't necessarily mean you UNDERSTAND and FEEL what they are.

Dare you to move by switchfoot
my all time favorite song.
it helped me through a lot of shit
when i'd just be lying on my bed looking out my window counting the stars listening to this song ....

oh i miss
i miss.

school is so boring. Especially when you have nothing to do in the comp lab. so leme clear sum stuff up about myself.

im not as emo and apathetic as you might think
my life isnt a sob story
i just need to vent
i hate talking about my problems face to face with people so i vent via online even though i hate it coz everyone prob thinks i have this horrible life when the truth is i dont. i hate talking about myself like this but i really really need to get this shit out.
its good for me and im sorry if u think that im selfobsessed and all i talk about is myself.

Last night I begged God to take me. I pleaded I screamed and cried to him to take me. I wrote a song about it, I'll give it to u guys later. Tonight, i just prayed that He would help me through it, because i know that He does love me and that in the end all this SHIT that these guys r piling on me is just guna make me stronger.

o god. o god o god o god. i cant talk about it right now ... but theres a sad sad story heading your way. im shaky. and it hurts. and its familiar.

and im not scared.

and thats what scares me.

and i think i am finally...

at peace.?

You all must really REALLY think i'm crazy. Or i come from a broken home or something. The truth is, I don't. I have no reason to be upset with my life, to try to kill myself. I'm sorry if I'm too open with you guys. It's just that with me, I'm reversed. I trust strangers more than I trust my closest friends. My family is together. I have messed up relatives, but under my father's roof my life is good. I just have mental problems. I'm not well in the head, I think. I'm tiny - 4'11. I don't like people picking on me. I especially don't like looking weak. crying is weak to me. so i cut.